I do not believe that many of us would say that we value work as more important than our health, our families, and our relationships. In the larger picture of life, we all say – and indeed we believe – that being healthy is more important than being good at work. That our family, our partners, and our children, mean more to us than our boss. But how many of us can honestly say that we consistently make decisions and choose actions that are in line with such beliefs? One of the first steps to Live Life in the Balance, is engaging in self-reflection about what is really important to us when it comes to work and family, or work and life, and then doing an honest assessment of our decisions and behaviors. How well do they line up? 

A few years ago I did this in my own life, and I quickly found some troubling habits that were without question in opposition to my professed desire to value health and family over work and career. For example, I noticed that I ate a lot of meals at my desk. Instead of having breakfast at home with my wife, or pausing my workday to each lunch, I found most days I skipped breakfast or ate something quick at my desk, and almost every lunch, whether I brown-bagged it or grabbed something nearby, I ended up hastily shoving food down my throat while staring at my computer. The periodic cleaning of my keyboard would reveal enough crumbs to feed a family of five! When I was sick, or just feeling under the weather, I still went to work. I felt determined not to let my students down or to tell my colleagues I needed more time on a project. When asked to take on a new project, role, or responsibility, I rarely ever said no. I could recall many times within the same conversation when I would both share how full my plate was, and then follow with committing to something new with a, sure, I would love to work on that! Perhaps worst of all, I found that I thought about work when I was home with my family. A lot. look, valuing family requires one to be present and engaged. I am embarrassed to say how many times I remember that I was physically home but mentally I was crafting an email, ruminating over a work problem, or planning a new project. I cannot even tell you what I missed during those times, because my mind was somewhere else. 

On some level, none of these discoveries were really surprising. Any one of these decisions in isolation made sense. The deadline is today, I have to keep writing during lunch. It is a critical week for class, of course, I have to respond to these student emails tonight. This new project is exciting and important, how can I not still be thinking about it at home? The critical insight came to me, however, by recognizing that the problem is not in any single decision or event but, rather, in the totality. The cumulative impact of continuously and consistently making decisions to choose to value work more than personal and familial wellbeing. The recognition that seemingly every time there was an opportunity at work that required some sacrifice to my personal, family, or non-work life, I chose work. Yet I could not identify a time when I chose to sacrifice my work to engage in self-care, spend a little extra time with my family, or just give my mind and body some extra rest when needed it. I would not say that I never made those decisions, but I could not think of any when I tried. The magnitude of seeing the overall picture can be powerful - even overwhelming. But It is essential to impact change.

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How often are you choosing work over everything else? How many times are you or someone you love impacted by these choices? Where do you sacrifice? What are you compromising?

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So, what do your behaviors around work and family look like? Take a moment to honestly and objectively review things. Examine your decisions, your behaviors, and your choices around work, life, family, and health. How often are you choosing work over everything else? How many times are you or someone you love impacted by these choices? Where do you sacrifice? What are you compromising? Do not just think about these, but write them down. Start to make lists of your decisions and behaviors. Think about the last month or so (or any meaningful time period for you) and document things like, “times I sacrificed family for work” versus “times I sacrificed work for family.” Write down the “times I adjusted my work to reduce stress”, and “times I took on more work even though my plate was full.” What do you see when all of these are written out and presented to you. The results of your decisions. It is important not to focus on any one event, and not to fixate on the justification for why the choice was made. This first step is simply about identifying the patterns in our actions and our choices around work and life. My true hope for you is that all of these lists are similar, and you already have a balance in your world that reflects the importance of work, family, and health that you truly desire. For many of us, we already know this will not be the case. These lists will make clear to us that, regardless of our stated priorities, we far too often are making sacrifices and compromises to our personal and familial wellbeing to serve work. Look carefully at these lists and think about what they teach you about how your decisions and actions are serving (or not) healthy life goals.

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Choosing to live Life in the Balance is committing to change our actual priorities around work, life, family, and health. To make that change, we must first understand who we are and acknowledge that we are not yet the person we want to be. Let’s get started - what do your lists look like? 

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